reality sucks when you go back to how you were feeling 2 years ago... especially when most of your thoughts then lingered in the suicidal area. i think too much. :) and all this time i thought i was gonna be a rock. i didnt want to, honestly. i wanted someone to love me and for me to love them... GOD lol i am such a drama queen. im such a spoiled brat; i need so much emotional reassurance from a "boyfriend" figure. probably because everyone ive known who was male in my family left me or... well. nvm that. but when i think about it... the females have done that too XD everyone has at some point...
first it was my dad when he was on drugs and he was going out to parties or w/e and then finally moved out. left his kids and wife. well actually...
brian had been before then. i remember when he would run away and only tell me and brittaney about it. he said that people were looking for him because he owed them money for drugs or that they were a member of a rival gang or something... most of that was probably lies i realize now and it was just because he was addicted to drugs, but we worried like hell over him.
when i get so angry when i think of what he has put me through.. and everyone else. all the abuse... i cant be mad at him. well i guess i can.. but never for too long. i love him and i always will. he was there for me when he could be and tried hard despite the bad things that would always pull him away from us. i hope he can clean himself up because i know he is *such* a good person inside and that he was just pulled away from his family because of some bad decisions. but he can.. still is a good person to those he loves when his judgement isnt clouded by drugs.
OK yah enough of that im about to cry.... so theres my dad... and then my other brother dwight... i probably shouldnt say that he left me because that wouldnt be very logical... but hey you know ppl tell me i dont think much (its not true; i think too much! :P) anyways... thats how i felt when he left to go live w/ liz in south carolina... like.. its embarrassing to say this now but i was kind of angry with her for a little while because it was kind of like... she stole one of big brothers :( howeveeerrrr i am not angry anymore or jealous or anything because i know that he loves her and she loves him and that they are happy together and i pray that they will stay that way (not like my parents) and that i will get lots of nieces and nephews from them >.> hahaha dwight would kill me for that comment.
next was my mum i guess... when she left me in wisconsin... which i.. guess im ok with but maybe im just saying that because i dont want to think about it. um... >.>
OK!! i know what it is!! i need a good cry :) i havent actually let myself cry for a long period of time. i wasnt able to during the "break up" AKA me completely overreacting and making steve think about something bad... and me ending up feeling like an asinine freak... so yah i cried but not as much as i would have if it stayed like that for more than 24 hours.
maybe i am a rock. no im not. im going to go seriously cry... wait!! i know when i had a good cry... when i cried myself to sleep for like a week when i thought i wasnt gonna be able to see keith for a long, long time when i was still with him.
guess its time for another one... haha i am such a nerd and i am in no way emotionally stable...
i just noticed i didnt say much about my parents leaving... and i guess thats not because im not close with my parents... maybe.. idk im trying to be. it just.. LOL its like my mind seriously wont let me go there.. i guess i need to make it go there so i can start healing.
OK!! gonna go start trying now. LOVE ALL MY FRIENDS SO MUCH!!!  | 
